Monthly Archives: February 2020

There are some motivational quotes that sometimes get so ingrained that we never question them. “Never give up”, is one of them. Using this statement to motivate someone without taking the specific context and person into account is irresponsible if not outright dangerous. Sure, life is difficult, and heaven knows we all need some tenacity, grit, and willpower to negotiate life, but driving ourselves over the edge because “one should never give up” is utter nonsense. Truth is, sometimes we have to give up.

So when should we consider giving up?

• When we realise we are making no progress, no matter how hard we try or what we do. The results are the same every time. Not giving up then makes no sense. As Einstein famously said: “If you do the same thing in the same way, expecting a different result, you are insane.” However, if there is clear improvement or progress, by all means, try again, don’t give up.
• When we are brave and vulnerable enough to admit to ourselves that perhaps this was not for us to begin with. When you find yourself thinking, “what got into me, this is not me at all”, then it is perhaps time to think again and give it up. It is essential that we stay true to ourselves and not allow the ego to trick us into getting ourselves into situations we should in the first place never even have entertained. Be brave and vulnerable and bow out graciously. Your soul will thank you.
• When we have lost our joy. The unfortunate truth is that millions of people are trapped in jobs, relationships or some kind of situation that is soul-destroying and brings them no joy. How is it helpful to encourage someone in that position to never give up? Never mind that you have no joy, never mind that you are dying on the inside, never mind that you struggle to just survive from day to day, just never give up. Sure, never give up on yourself, never give up on life, but definitely give up whatever it is that is robbing you of your joy and connect with your soul again. Give up the idea that you have no choice. Remember you always have a choice. Not making a choice is also a choice! Not making a choice is choosing to be a victim and forever blaming others.

Never give up? I beg to differ. Sometimes we need to call it a day. Sometimes it is better to give up before we give in. Face your fears, embrace the change and do the stuff that lights up your soul. It is not that easy or simple, you may argue. Perhaps. Till you try it.

We are all liars. This is not a thought that most of us would embrace. On the contrary, we probably view ourselves as being like most other people, telling a little lie here and there, but certainly not liars. The truth is, we are. Allow me to explain what I mean. This statement is not about the moral aspect of lying. I am not implying that we are all a bunch of liars and morally corrupt.
 
The lying I am referring to is how smoothly we can lie about our true feelings and the state of our being at any specific moment. Does this dialogue sound familiar? 

“How are you?” 
“I’m fine, thank you. How are you?” 
“I’m well, thank you.” 
 
Really? Are you? Often, we are dying on the inside or are deeply hurt, scared or unhappy, but no-one can tell. We’ve honed the ability for self-denial and deceiving others into a masterful social skill.

So, why do we do that? The sad truth is that many of us learned from a very young age to suppress and discard our own true feelings, and rather not to tell the truth about how things really are and how we feel.
 
But it was not always like that. Observing pre-school children playing and the way they spontaneously interact always makes me feel a bit sad that, as adults, we seem to have lost that ability, that spontaneity, their way of expressing themselves fully as who they are. One sees their different personalities in action, and they all are having fun. Some are more outspoken than others. Some are more adventurous and daring than others. They are just who they are. They seem to be uncontaminated by social conditioning and oblivious to the judgment of others. With small kids, you don’t need to guess what is going on with them. You can easily tell when they are happy, sad, scared etc. One can read them like an open book.

But then, one day, whilst being totally aligned with who they are,  they do or say something, and are reprimanded or punished for it. Apart from being shocked and confused, this is also the moment when they realize that they should put on a mask. That is the day the ego appears on the scene and takes control. They now learn to become calculating calculated and tentative in their behaviour. They play themselves down and compromise in order to be liked.

We all have a need to be liked. It is a deep psychological need. We will do almost anything to ensure that we are not rejected or disliked by those whom we love, but in the process we betray and deny ourselves. We learn to say yes, although we actually mean to say no. We become people-pleasers and lirs. 

But this is not healthy, or good for our emotional or psychological well-being in the long run.We should become like children again.
 
Imagine a world in which it is safe to stop lying, and to dare to be vulnerable and transparent. Imagine a world in which we trust each other enough to open our hearts, knowing that we won’t be judged or rejected for who we are. Imagine a humanity that has compassion and love for each other.  Imagine a world in which we can stop the window dressing and the image management, and instead be real.
   
So, how are you really? Let us create a space for each other to be safe to tell us the truth.

“I simply don’t see the meaning of all this anymore.”

This is not a foreign thought to most of us. These thoughts seem to become even more acute when we have to deal with feeling disappointed, lost, overwhelmed or stressed out because of all the demands placed on us. A feeling of being trapped on the treadmill of life or of being tired of repeating all the same-old, same-old stuff, day after day, can also lead to such thoughts.
At some stage of our lives, all of us will be searching for some deeper wisdom in order to figure out the meaning of life. Here is a thought: What if it is not something we need to search for? What if it is already built-in by divine design, but we somehow just can’t see it? It is much like looking at a 3D picture: At first glance, it makes no sense. There is nothing to see – until we manage to ‘look deeper’ or ‘differently’, and lo and behold, to our surprise, a beautiful image emerges.

Similarly, to find meaning in life, we first need to be aware that we are in fact living in two worlds – the inner world of the soul, and the outer material world where we spend the bulk of our time and energy. In order to find meaning and to see the sacredness in the outer world, we need to reconnect with the soul. Life feels meaningless to us because, as with looking at a 3D picture, we glance superficially at life and all we see is a seemingly meaningless image. Only when we reconnect with the soul, will another image appear. Only when the two worlds meet, does the magic happen – and this will enable us to recognise the sacred in everyday life again.

When I use the word “the sacred”, I am not referring to something primarily religious or even spiritual. The sacred belongs to the primary nature of all that is. The sacred is not something we need to develop or learn. Our ancestors instinctively knew that everything they could see was sacred. They could see with deep reverence the sacredness, wonder, beauty and divine nature of the world. Sadly, we have largely lost that ability. It is only from this sense of reverence for the sacredness of life, that real meaning and our deepest purpose of being alive are born.

Looking through the lens of the soul, magic and the sacred can be found in any form: a beautiful sunset, the first cry of a newborn child, and the last breath of a dying person. It can be present in a simple meal prepared with love, in the laughter of a family around a table, in the moment someone says “I love you”, in the simplicity of a single candle burning, in a bunch of flowers, in the random kindness of a stranger, in the embrace of two people forgiving each other, in the laughter of a child, in a gentle touch, in a friendly smile, in the vastness of the night sky, in the beauty of a piece of art and in soul-uplifting music, in the majesty of a mountain, in the roar of a lion, in the presence of an old and wise tree, or in watching the tide comes in.

Life is not meaningless. Our lives are not meaningless. Meaning is already ‘in the picture’. We just need to put the soul back into everything we do.

Isn’t it amazing how the word ‘should’ is driving our behaviour? We make statements like: “I would like to stay a bit longer, but I should go now. I should call her back. I should earn more money. I should always be nice. I should give the car guard some money. I should lose some weight. I should go to the gym. I should go to church. I should invite them. I should do the dishes.” I should… I should….

Just to be clear, we are not talking about the basic stuff we all ‘should’ do for the sake of our own wellbeing, like taking responsibility, taking good care of ourselves and doing no harm to others. We are talking about those energy draining ‘should’s’ – all those things we do on a daily basis that bring us little or no joy but that we tell ourselves we should do. It is interesting to note how our energy levels drop when we force ourselves into doing our ‘`should’s’. There is always a sense of reluctance and resistance.

Why is that? Quite simply, it is because we are ignoring our own authentic voice in the matter.

Whenever we say “I should”, we can be sure that there is always a voice about that specific issue that has been programmed into our internal operating system. It is not necessarily our own truth. It is probably something that our mom, dad, teacher, or minister said. That is why it is important that, when we feel we ‘should’ do something, we question it. In this way, we can discern whether it is our own voice or whether we are merely responding to a voice from the distant past that still forms part of our system and is driving our behaviour.

We ‘should’ not necessarily respond to this voice, because – thankfully – we can now make our own choices and do things differently. So, instead of saying “I should go to the gym”, we can rephrase it as, “I choose to exercise regularly”. Instead of saying, “I should lose weight”, we can declare, “I choose to follow a healthy lifestyle”. This is an important step towards finding our own True North and marching to the beat of our own drum.

So what about all the daily chores in and around the house that simply need to be done, like cooking or doing the dishes, or putting out the bins? Yes, all of that ‘should’ be done. Sure. However, how about following a different approach? You see, we could forever resist whatever chore it is that we need to do, and make ourselves unhappy in the process, or we can consciously choose to do it. And that suddenly feels more empowering, so we are no longer feeling like a victim and feeling sorry for ourselves because now it is our choice. Our energy levels rise, and we find creative ways of even getting through those chores and tasks with joy. However, this approach only works well if we are well aligned with our own authentic self, if we are very clear on what we choose, and if we are prepared to stand our ground. If we tend to please others, the chances are good that we will end up in the guilt-riddled and energy-draining lane of ‘should’ again.

Finally, there is one important ‘should’. Whenever we feel we ‘should’ do something, we could instead ask ourselves: “Does it light up my soul?” In other words, whenever we think, “I should take that job”, or “I should hang onto that job”, or “I should enter into that relationship”, or “We should remain friends forever”, we could instead stay true to ourselves and ask ourselves: “Does it light up my soul?”