Monthly Archives: July 2020

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
My eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

By Portia Nelson

Tenses form the backbone of any language. Since our school-going days, we have been reading and practicing the use of tenses. As we know, verbs come in three tenses: past, present, and future. The present tense is used to describe things that are happening right now, in the present. And our present reality can indeed be best described as tense. People are feeling anxious, edgy, jittery, nervous, troubled, uptight, and, worried because of all the uncertainty.

What if we could ease that tenseness by simply shifting our focus? Instead of being caught up in the intense present, we consciously choose to be intensely present. One of our biggest challenges in life is to be fully present in the moment. Even as you are reading this, chances are that your mind is also somewhere else. Our mind is indeed like a monkey in a tree, jumping from branch to branch – restless and all over the place. And as it jumps from branch to branch, our creative mind concocts all kinds of new thoughts. Of course, for a thought to form, there must first have been some event or situation to process that stimulated the thought. With all the fear-mongering news, the uncertainty, and the negativity going around, our thoughts easily latch onto this; and the greater our fear, the more our thoughts create fear-based and negative scenarios, and soon our mind-tree will be filled with monkeys frantically jumping around. As a result, by the time we go to sleep, those monkeys are still jumping and dashing all over the tree, and we then struggle to fall asleep and have a good night’s rest. Soon our health starts to suffer, since our bodies are not designed to deal with jumping monkeys 24/7. We are simply not meant to live in a constant state of tensed presence.

So, we have a choice: to be either presently tensed and suffer the consequences, or to be intensely present. It is that simple. Well, it is simple, maybe, but it is not easy. To be intensely present requires effort in every waking moment. We need to be consciously aware of every thought that is taking hold in our mind, and to change it, if it is negative. Once a thought or impulse has been ignited, it will set off a chain reaction. It starts with a spark, which in turn evokes a corresponding emotion, which emotion determines our actions, and then our actions become our habits, and finally our habits constitute our reality. Positive thoughts evoke positive emotions, and positive emotions lead to positive actions and a general feeling of well-being. In contrast, negative and destructive thoughts attract negative emotions, and negative emotions lead to negative actions, and negative actions lead to a miserable life.

We thus need to watch that jumping monkey closely, and to chase it away before it wakes up all the others and invites them to join the fear party. See, everything starts with a thought. Nothing can manifest without a thought. Nothing. As the Greek philosopher, Heraclitus cautioned eons ago: “The soul is dyed by the colour of its thoughts”. Negative thoughts lead to negative emotions, and negative emotions lead to negative behaviour. Conversely, positive thoughts lead to positive emotions, and positive emotions lead to positive behaviour. We get to choose the colour of the dye.

So, in times like these, more than ever, we need to become vigilant and to watch our thoughts. This is not another call for positive thinking or creating a Pollyanna kind of world, in which everything is always fantastic. This is about being intensely present and allowing both positive and negative thoughts to show up, but then consciously manage our reaction to these thoughts. There are always positive and negative possibilities in every situation. We just don’t always recognise these, particularly when fear takes over. For example, being retrenched hardly ever ignites positive thoughts, let alone a positive emotion. It gets all the monkeys going, and soon the noise of fear takes over, and our mind tells us that nothing good can come from this. However, if we manage to stay grounded and intensely present, we create a space in which we can fully acknowledge what is happening, without denying it or trying to escape. We face our fears. We admit that it sucks, and we allow ourselves to feel the feelings, but then we immediately choose to look for something positive that may come from what has happened to us, by reminding ourselves that every ending is also a new beginning. By doing that, we shift the focus in a positive direction. However, this can only happen if we manage to keep fear out of it. Yes, fear is part of our management team, but we should just not put it in charge. We can acknowledge its presence, but we should not allow it to take control. Fear will always come knocking at the door. As the Japanese philosopher, Shinichi Suzuki advised: “When a thought comes into the mind, let it in, just don’t serve it tea”.

Yes, the present is tense, but let us become intensely present and stand guard at the doorway of our thought world. Only serve tea to thoughts that have your best interests at heart.

Your mind is a beautiful servant, but a dangerous master.

Allan Watts.

Since 1897, the Swiss Army knife, designed by Carl Elsner and manufactured by Victorinox, has been a trusted tool of adventurers around the world. The traditional version is red with a white cross and a shield imprinted on it. The cross represents strength and positivity, the shield represents protection. When you embark on an unknown adventure, it is always a good idea to have one of these knives with you. With more than thirty different features, tools, gadgets, and levers, it can tighten, loosen, and fix just about anything. So whatever the predicament, with a bit of innovation and creativity, one can solve almost any problem.

A few months ago, we embarked on an unknown journey. Almost overnight, we were forced to leave behind so many things we took for granted to go into lockdown and isolation. Little did we know then, that for many it would be the last time they would close their office door and say goodbye to colleagues. For others, it would be the last time they would serve a customer their favourite drink or meal. For many, it would be the last time they would receive their full monthly salary.

For all of us, something ended. The world we used to know ended abruptly and dramatically, and we had no time to plan. We are still finding our way as the journey unfolds, and it is scary. Many of us feel uncertain, unsafe, and vulnerable. Let’s imagine ourselves as a Swiss Army knife. Like most pocket knives, these knives also have two blades that are ideal for cutting and slicing, but unlike most pocket knives, they offer so much more. So much so, that calling it a knife is a bit of a misnomer. It is more of a multi-purpose versatility tool. How versatile and useful it is, only becomes clear when we are faced with some kind of obstacle or problem on the journey that requires a different tool to fix the problem.

This is exactly what is required of us now: to use a different tool. Like these knives, we are versatile; we have what it takes to face the challenges. In the past few months, millions of people lost their jobs or their incomes. Their blades are no longer required. The worst thing we can do to ourselves when we find ourselves in such a situation right now is to think of ourselves as redundant and useless. The fact that no blade is required does not render the knife useless. It simply is an opportunity to have a closer look and discover some other tools and skills with which to carve out a new path.

In short, what is required now is to shift our focus from the blade to our brilliance. It is of no use, if the only thing everyone brings along on the journey is a blade. There are enough of those. New obstacles call for new thinking, new tools, and new solutions. Whatever your challenge may be, open that knife and discover the untapped tools and instruments available to you. Cometh the challenge, cometh the tool. No need to panic. It is all in there. We just need to shift our focus. Is it that simple? Yes. Is it easy? No. Why? Because fear may paralyze us. So let’s look at the logo on a Swiss Army knife again: the shield and the cross. According to the manufacturer, the cross represents strength and positivity, while the shield represents protection. The journey we embarked on is not a walk in the park. It is an expedition into the unknown. However, it is our strength and our positivity that will carry us through this, and once it is over, we will look back and realize we were protected by a shield of guidance all along. So let us just keep walking. A new exciting world awaits us.

“I’ve learned that fear limits you and your vision. It serves as blinders to what may be just a few steps down the road for you. The journey is valuable, but believing in your talents, your abilities, and your self-worth can empower you to walk down an even brighter path. Transforming fear into freedom – how great is that?” – Soledad O’Brien

Masks have been worn for various reasons in nearly all cultures, since the Stone Age. They have been worn as a form of disguise, by an actor in a performance, as part of a religious ceremony, as part of membership in a secret society, as punishment for a criminal or in celebration of a holiday.

Masks have quickly become part of our normal attire thanks to COVID-19. Most of us are looking forward to the day when it won’t be necessary to wear a mask any longer because somehow the world just doesn’t look the same through a mask. It is uncomfortable, strange, and out of tune with our normal day to day lives. Life no longer looks the same; everything, even people’s faces, seems strangely distorted. Masks hamper conversation, and some spontaneity is lost. Masks remind us that there is an unpredictable “enemy” out there that we need to protect ourselves from, and wearing a mask gives us a sense of control over the uncontrollable.

Hopefully, sooner rather than later, this pandemic will be over and it will no longer be necessary for us to wear a mask when we leave our home. In the meantime, though, there is another mask we can remove, our false-self mask, our inauthentic mask. Our pretence mask. Our what-you-see-is-not-what-you-get mask. Just like when we put our masks on when we leave our home, this one also gives us a sense of control and protection. Without it, we feel vulnerable and exposed. We hide behind it and we hardly ever take it off, except when we feel it is safe to do so. Often this only happens in the presence of those whom we know love us. With them, we sense that it is safe to be vulnerable, because they look at us with eyes of love. When there is a heart connection, no mask is needed. We can be real and be who we are, warts and all, and know that we are still loved. They may not approve of our actions and our behaviour, but we are loved nonetheless. There is no judgment, no rejection. The heart cannot do that. The heart can discern, but the heart does not judge. The heart is truthful and shoots straight, but it does not reject. The heart creates a field of safety, in which it is okay to remove the mask and become vulnerable.

So why do we keep our guard up? Why are we not prepared to be vulnerable? Why do we keep hiding behind our masks and our fake smiles? The simple answer is because we do not feel safe enough to show our vulnerability. Many of us can recall moments when we dared to do just that, the times when we opened up our hearts, only for them to be trampled on by someone from their high horse of judgment and wielding the logical mind as a weapon. As Brené Brown reminds us, “If we share our shame story with the wrong person, they can easily become one more piece of flying debris in an already dangerous storm.” So we learned to keep up the pretence and not show our vulnerability.

Although you might never be able to tell, because we have become such masterful false-mask bearers, many people are in fact feeling highly vulnerable at the moment. They feel uncertain, anxious, and emotionally fragile. In that state, the last thing they need is some cheap advice or a pep talk or yet another clichéd quote. They just need a safe space. They need someone with a loving, compassionate open heart, in whose presence no mask is required. Times are tough. Let us be there for each other. Let us dare to become vulnerable. Vulnerability creates the perfect field for two hearts to connect. In that sacred space we can truthfully share our story, without feeling ashamed.

If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.” – Brené Brown